Hello Youtube family,
I'm a little nervous about posting today's video. I'm sorry it's not the usual chirpy type of vlog. Originally, the footage wasn't supposed to be up so early but life never goes the way we plan right?
It’s been a bit of an emotional week. Due to a missed period, I took a pregnancy test on 8th October to find out we were expecting again. Just to be sure, I sent Tim out to get more tests to be sure. Since he came back with a two-pack, I took another test and it came back positive again. With one spare, I took the other test the next day but it came back negative (note- it wasn’t morning urine). Confused- I sent the hubby to grab more. This time, he came back with a triple pack. The next test was a big fat positive. After the initial confusion, we realised we really wanted this baby and thought maybe this baby was truly meant to be.
At the same time, Tim and I didn’t want to think too much. It was very early so we knew anything could happen since 1 in 5 pregnancies end up in a miscarriage. However, it didn’t stop us from thinking of baby names and envisioning our life as a family of four.
During my photoshoot in London, I felt lightheaded and my stomach pains started to feel more intense. I thought maybe I was just over fatigued so didn’t want to worry myself too much. As I was waiting for my flight back home, I felt pressure in my lower region. I stumbled to the bathroom and realised I was bleeding. Rather than the dark brown spotting I had days ago, it was a brighter colour of red indicating fresh blood. The bleeding eventually stopped for a bit so I felt more assured but as I got out of the airplane, I felt the bleeding started to return. Since I was emotionally and physically tired from the long day, I went to to bed early with hopes that rest could maybe prevent the worse from happening. Around 6am, I woke up to more stomach pains and pressure as I went to use the bathroom, I finally accepted I was having a miscarriage.
I knew my body wasn’t in it’s best condition so in a lot of ways, I wonder if it could’ve been prevented. It’s been an emotional few days. I spent it doing some grieving and I feel a lot better now. Since I was less than 5 weeks along, I’m thankful the loss happened early. To those who have also experienced a loss, I am so so sorry and my heart is with you. Know that you are not alone. We can only try to understand that everything happens for a reason. I hope you can take comfort in your family and friends.
It made me thankful to know Isaac was born into the world safely with no complications. I know Tim and I are still young and we have more opportunities in the future to expand our family.
We were not ready for another baby and the pregnancy was definitely a shock but our early loss has made us realise that if we are blessed to get pregnant again in the future, we would be ready and happy for it.
Physically, my body doesn’t feel too bad. It just felt like I was having a very heavy period. Usually my flow finishes in 4-5 days but my womb completely cleared within 2 days. Still experiencing a little nausea and cramping but I’m getting lots of cuddles from the family. Chubbi and Domo make fantastic hot water bottles too.
Even though it was an early miscarriage, I think I was a more upset about it than I thought I would be. I wasn’t as excited as I was with my first pregnancy and it was because I was overwhelmed since I knew what to expect. Once I started to embrace the changes about to come our way, I was able to connect with my pregnancy with excitement. Unfortunately, by then- the pregnancy couldn't progress.
Tim has reminded me that I could’ve been perfectly healthy and careful and yet sometimes, these things will just happen. We still feel incredibly blessed for our family already. We will leave it all to the Lord. He has been taking care of our family and we know everything happens for a reason. We know other people out there have had it way worse. Our situation is nothing in comparison. We are always going to be thankful ^_^
Love, the Bubz family xo
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